Subtitle: The Hit Machine
Vol.1 Issue 7
This year I am thankful for the Turkey Bowl! For those who don’t know, the Turkey Bowl is a yearly spectacle that showcases the long since shattered dreams of grown adult men, who are still grasping at the glory of their football youth. As turkeys are getting stuffed, men all around the country are amassing in public parks, open fields and in big back yards to play football. The game is tackle, with full offensive and defensive lines, 1 point for TD, no field goals (we were crazy enough to implement full kick-offs the first few years) and there are no ties. There will be blood. A few concussions for sure. You cannot walk for the next few days. It’s football at its purest. It’s as American as pumpkin pie.
If you won’t mind letting me wax poetic, my illustrious Turkey Bowl career lasted from 1998-2005. I was a master play-caller and regularly brought index cards with hand-drawn plays into the huddle. It was like I invented the wheel route (thank you Madden 2000). But I wasn’t all brains back then. I lettered in varsity high school football (impressive I know) and was always down for a tussle on the gridiron. During one Thanksgiving game, I made a seminary student say what was probably his first official curse word in frustration. He bellowed, “What the hell” as muscled I him over onto his back to sack the QB. Most of the guys I played against over the years didn’t know how insecure and full of anger I was, which means they never stood a chance. I was a defensive monster and I liked it rough. I wasn’t going to chase anyone down, but if we met in the hole, you were going to become part of my Turkey Bowl highlight tape. My best hit ever was against an Italian Rugby player named Andre who was built like a tank. With me as his lead blocker one year, he beasted out and scored 3 touchdowns. Defenders were bouncing off him like he was Bo Jackson in Tecmo Super Bowl. He was unstoppable and I was a little jealous this newcomer was stealing a bit of my Turkey Bowl shine. I had played high school football dammit! The following year I made sure that we were not on the same team. One of the first plays from scrimmage, Andre took the hand-off and cut inside the B gap. I was playing middle linebacker, so I could get a running start. I had waited a year for this! Adrenaline surging, I shot into the hole and completely obliterated a 240 lbs statue of a man, while of course yelling out a primeval scream that attracted no attention whatsoever. The best of times!!
Ironically, Andre moved to Australia, played in a competitive American football league and nicknamed himself the “Hit Machine.” I like to think that each time he laced them up Downunder, he just couldn’t shake the image of me standing over him that fantastic Turkey Bowl morning, and deep down inside, he knew who the real “Hit Machine” was.
Sadly, my Turkey Bowl glory days are behind me now. I hung up the cleats and threw away the mouthpiece years ago. I’ve been married to a beautiful lady for 14 years, have two amazing daughters in elementary school, and my hands have grown soft from typing all day long. But, I will never forget my past Turkey Bowl triumphs and I won’t let Andre either.
Now onto business. I am so thankful that there are three NFL games on Thanksgiving so that I can get my DFS on! Here is a special Thanksgiving edition of Weekly Best Lineup to wet your beak before we get to Sunday’s main slate.
Weekly Best Lineup
I decided to stack Brees and Thomas, which limited my RB selections to lower-priced rookies. Hoping that they both lives up to their 3rd round potential after being drafted this past spring with back-to-back picks. I like going top-heavy with Julio Jones, John Brown and Jared Cook who all have the potential to haul in a TD. My flex and defense were what was left when you stack the most expensive two players combined.
Hopefully, you all have a great Thanksgiving celebrating with your loved ones. My in-laws don’t believe in TVs or football and naturally, they will be joining us for Thanksgiving this year. So think of me while you are stuffing your faces with turkey and mashed potatoes and are thoroughly enjoying your holiday GPPs and cash games. I’ll be getting caught up on all the latest Boomer news that I didn’t know I missed. So glad I’m sober. They’ll be so much to digest.
May the fantasy gods be with us all!
P.S. “This is a Robbery” will be updated and addressed in the next issue. Let’s just say that it was a blood bath!!